it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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