that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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