My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize