New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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