All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
