I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
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i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
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Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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