He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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