I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
