I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
