Someone shit on the floor
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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