we're chasing vodka with high fives
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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