so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
