Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
