I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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