That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
