seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
