Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
