I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
