PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
