mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
