Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
