I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
