You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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