i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
