she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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