shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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