i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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