Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
