How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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