I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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