"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
