Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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