I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
