So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
