Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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