absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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