I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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