I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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