i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
