No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
