I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
