the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
