First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
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