So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
