I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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