I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.