i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
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just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.