dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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