she woke up with a sticky ear
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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