Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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