I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
