I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
