Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
