Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
