I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
