He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
