dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
