I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
