I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
