i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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