You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
