We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
