Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
