Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Randomize
